I still miss you everyday.
I still dream of you atleast 1 or 2 times a week.
I wonder what you're doing, how your doing and I know you
probably never even think of me.
I miss talking to you, you were my best friends.
You walked away and the funny part is a month later you
were with someone too.
How's that for some shiet?
You accused me of something I never did and then threw
your silence down and never looked back.
I did what I had to do.
I don't think I'll ever stop thinking of you.
In fact I know I won't.
I will always love you weither you love me or not.

¶ 1/16/2009 09:11:00 AM

I saw you a few weeks ago... I knew it was you from a mile away.
I've always wondered if I would, and I did.
My heart was racing in my chest yet I was calm on the outside.
You look the same, maybe just a little bit happier than I last
remember....
I still think about you everyday and I still miss you everyday.
As time has gone on, it's gotten easier.
I dream of you constantly.
Sometimes I try to explain why I did what I did. To try to make you
understand. How maybe I should have asked you for YOUR help instead
of someone elses. But you weren't talking to me at the time.
You dropped me on a whim and never looked back... you were always good
at that. I never was.
Sometimes I want to explain it all to you, not that it would change anything.
Sometimes I just feel the need to get it off my chest, to open that large can of worms
and let it all out.
But I guess at this time, this is a secret that will go with my to the grave.
I couldn't even send that one to PostSecret.
I'm not sure it would even matter if you knew the truth.
You could always be so cold, and you always used your silence as a weapon anyway,
why would 2 years ago be any different.
I guess I'll still see you in my dreams, where you talk to me there... where I can
explain in ernest why I did what I did.
How I survived what you missed, by the hair on my chinny chin chin.

Just know I miss you, and think of you, if it matters to you at all.
Know that I want to see you, look into your eyes and tell you
the secret I've locked in my heart and spinal fluid.
Know I dream of you every night and probably will for the rest of
my life.
I loved you for so many years... I know it will take many more
for you to fade, if ever... You always were larger than life!

¶ 7/06/2007 09:52:00 AM

I miss you still, everyday.
I still see your face in my mind.
I still think of you and wonder
what it's like where you are.
I think of you in a song.
Old memories of singing along to
sappy songs.
I miss sitting next to you.
I miss your arms hugging me.
I still miss you, every day...

¶ 12/03/2006 10:52:00 PM

I probably wouldn't be this way,
I probably wouldn't hurt so bad.
I never pictured every minute... without you in it...
Oh You left so fast.
Sometimes I see you standing there.
Sometimes it's like I'm losing touch.
Sometimes I feel that I'm so lucky to have had
the chance to love this much!
God gave me a moment's grace.
'Cause if I'd never seen your face.
I probably wouldn't be this way.

¶ 7/25/2006 08:51:00 PM

As you get older, you realize you don't know anything.
You thought you did, ya, sure you thought you did.
You knew it all.
You saw the future... you see the past...
It never fades...
it never lessens...
It's always right there, at the surface.
Your face in my dreams, in my world,
still locked up there in my heart.
Pushed away, hidden in that dark places
reserved for secrets...
the ones between only you and your memories.
Not even a post secret for that one.
Not even a breathe.
I thought I knew so much, and I'm just shaking
my head now... I didn't know shit.
You can live your life,
you sit in the world you made for yourself.
But you never forget.
I always think of you, everyday...
At the strangest times in my day.
Weither it be in a dream I woke from at 7am,
or the perfume I spray in the morning.
The Air freshener in the car.
Silly things that bring it all back, like
a flash back.
Sometimes I smile, but most of the time
I try and pretend it never happened.
It's easier for my heart that way.
You never forget.
Memories are always there.
Your face is always there.
I worry about the calender as the days
pass quickly.
I see what day it is... I know what's to come.
I wish, sometimes, I was there...
Sometimes...
Sometimes...
Sometimes...

¶ 7/12/2006 11:56:00 PM

I've been sad for so long, I'm not sure I remember how to be completely happy.
Always smiling.
I always feel this weight on my chest, in my heart.. in my head.
It always seems to be there.
Cancer gave me an excuse to wallow.
To be sad for a reason.
To hate the life I chose for myself.
The roads I walked... the paths I chose.
I chose.
There's no one to blame but me...
for the turning of the cheek,
for the hurting people who loved me.
I was alone for so long, I don't think I knew how to love back.
I always thought it was someone else,
always blamed everyone else.
It was always me.
I never really got it right.
I was wrapped up in so many things that were so unimportant.
I was naive.
Everything I knew of life happened in books I read until the
sun came up.
I clutched them to my chest, and looked out the window in that
tiny porch room.
The birds were chirping, and a cool breeze was coming in...
a light blanket covering me.
My eyes drys and scratchy...
but I loved it...
I would lay wrapped in that moment,
loving the romance love.
The heroine and the stubborn fool.
Run and chase.
Chaos and that happy ending.
Honesty is a hard thing to do.
No one is ever truely honest with anyone.
You're always holding something back.
There are always memories and thoughts that never quite leave your lips.
You can never be totally truthful with any other person.
The heart lies.
No one is perfect.
Not the best of you shining.
You feel alone then, thinking no one could ever know you.
Love the you, you learned to hate.
A life not worthly of living.
Feeling that sadness in your whole being.
From the top of your head to the tips of your toes.
It's like standing in the window, watching your life get into a
cab and drive away. The head of that fleeing love, never turning around.
It's like sitting in that same cab, seeing your life standing behind a pane of glass
as some stranger drives you to your future. A future without the only
thing you've ever known. And not turning back.
You never know how the stories going to go.
I sat there listening to that silence, and where can I go from here?
I have a second chance now.
One I can't let slip away.
A gift from God.
His hand on me.
Sometimes it's very hard for me to see the forest for the trees.
I see this problem at hand, tackling it.
I forget about what's really important.
I was so mad at God for such a long time.
I blamed this being for all the sadness in me, in my life...
For this body of disease.
For the way my mind worked.
My heart broke.
There was nothing I could do, I had absolutely no control, when I'd
finally found control of myself.
When things were finally okay, and I was finally growing up.
Cancer stunted me emotionally.
It ate away at my happiness as it ate my body.
The feelings that go through you.
Everyday is a roller coaster.
The 5 stages of grief EVERYDAY!
Every week. Every month. Every moment you breath.
When you think you're going to die, it's hard to live.
Every moment feels like a waste of time.
Hurry up, slow it down...
Hurry up, slow it down....
just end the game.
That horrible dread.
The lonliness of being in your own body.
No one else around you ever feeling even close to what you feel.
Thinking what you think.
They cry, they hurt... there's pain.
Empathy.
Pity.
Never, Never, NEVER
can you feel that.
Or would I wish you to.
The self hatred.
Self esteem.
The living with the fact that death is coming, and you never
really lived.
I've done alot in such a short period.
Then I stopped.
I've been across the globe.
I've sunned on the best beaches.
I've met people who left a memory in my brain.
Majorca supermarkets.
The feel of the window flipping my hair in Paris.
Sitting in the dark with french subtitles.
Adventures of the lonely.
New Orleans at 17.
Secrets I've never told a soul, and never will.
That week, was a week that will forever be in my soul.
The bus ride down, the bus ride back.
I got on that bus without a plan and came back a whole
new person.
I read tarot cards on my bedroom floor that told me to take a trip.
I saved my money.
Thought, hmmm, where will I go....
Got a map and closed my eyes.
Pointed a finger, and landed there.
Got on the train, went to the bus station,
and off I went.
It was the most exhilerating moment of my life as a child.
Parachuting over Palm Springs.
I almost pissed my pants.
All these things... all these moments I have cherished,
or even hated filtering like a movie in my head.
A stranger holding my hand as they put a needle the
size of my arm in my body.
I don't think I blame God anymore.
He gave me a gift I didn't cherish, a life I thought
could always be better than what it was.
I never saw it was I that could be better...
This is my moment of clarity.
My silent secret,
that doesn't fit on a postcard.

¶ 4/29/2006 01:07:00 AM

"Whenever You Remember"

When you look back on times we had
I hope you smile
And know that through the good and through the bad
I was on your side when nobody could hold us down
We claimed the brightest star
And we, we came so far
And no they won't forget

[Chorus]
Whenever you remember times gone by
Remember how we held our heads so high
When all this world was there for us
And we believe that we could touch the sky
Whenever you remember, I'll be there
Remember how we reached that dream together
Whenever you remember

When you think back on all we've done
I hope you're proud
When you look back and see how far we've come
It was our time to shine
And nobody could hold us down
They thought they'd see us fall
But we, we stood so tall
And no we won't forget

Whenever you remember times gone by
Remember how we held our heads so high
When all this world was there for us
And we believe that we could touch the sky
Whenever you remember, I'll be there
Remember how we reached that dream together
Whenever you remember

Yeahhh, Ooohh

We claimed the brightest star
And we, we came so far
And know that we showed them all
And no they won't forget

Yeahhh

Whenever you remember times gone by
Remember how we held our heads so high
When all this world was there for us
And we believe that we could touch the sky
Whenever you remember, I'll be there
Remember how we reached that dream together
Whenever you remember

Whenever you remember

¶ 11/29/2005 09:17:00 PM

I was sitting on my doorstep,
I hung up the phone and it fell out of my hand,
But I knew I had to do it,
And he wouldn't understand,
So hard to see myself without him,
I felt a piece of my heart break,
But when you're standing at a crossroad,
There's a choice you gotta make.

I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna bring me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.

I know there's a blue horizon,
Somewhere up ahead, just waiting for me,
Getting there means leaving things behind,
Sometimes life's so bitter sweet.

I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
The night goes on, and some things that I'll have,
To give to the other side,
I guess it's gonna bring me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.

Time, time heals,
The wounds that you feel,
Somehow, right now.

I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna bring me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
Starts with goodbye,
The only way you try to find,
Moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye

¶ 11/29/2005 09:09:00 PM