I've been sad for so long, I'm not sure I remember how to be completely happy.
Always smiling.
I always feel this weight on my chest, in my heart.. in my head.
It always seems to be there.
Cancer gave me an excuse to wallow.
To be sad for a reason.
To hate the life I chose for myself.
The roads I walked... the paths I chose.
I chose.
There's no one to blame but me...
for the turning of the cheek,
for the hurting people who loved me.
I was alone for so long, I don't think I knew how to love back.
I always thought it was someone else,
always blamed everyone else.
It was always me.
I never really got it right.
I was wrapped up in so many things that were so unimportant.
I was naive.
Everything I knew of life happened in books I read until the
sun came up.
I clutched them to my chest, and looked out the window in that
tiny porch room.
The birds were chirping, and a cool breeze was coming in...
a light blanket covering me.
My eyes drys and scratchy...
but I loved it...
I would lay wrapped in that moment,
loving the romance love.
The heroine and the stubborn fool.
Run and chase.
Chaos and that happy ending.
Honesty is a hard thing to do.
No one is ever truely honest with anyone.
You're always holding something back.
There are always memories and thoughts that never quite leave your lips.
You can never be totally truthful with any other person.
The heart lies.
No one is perfect.
Not the best of you shining.
You feel alone then, thinking no one could ever know you.
Love the you, you learned to hate.
A life not worthly of living.
Feeling that sadness in your whole being.
From the top of your head to the tips of your toes.
It's like standing in the window, watching your life get into a
cab and drive away. The head of that fleeing love, never turning around.
It's like sitting in that same cab, seeing your life standing behind a pane of glass
as some stranger drives you to your future. A future without the only
thing you've ever known. And not turning back.
You never know how the stories going to go.
I sat there listening to that silence, and where can I go from here?
I have a second chance now.
One I can't let slip away.
A gift from God.
His hand on me.
Sometimes it's very hard for me to see the forest for the trees.
I see this problem at hand, tackling it.
I forget about what's really important.
I was so mad at God for such a long time.
I blamed this being for all the sadness in me, in my life...
For this body of disease.
For the way my mind worked.
My heart broke.
There was nothing I could do, I had absolutely no control, when I'd
finally found control of myself.
When things were finally okay, and I was finally growing up.
Cancer stunted me emotionally.
It ate away at my happiness as it ate my body.
The feelings that go through you.
Everyday is a roller coaster.
The 5 stages of grief EVERYDAY!
Every week. Every month. Every moment you breath.
When you think you're going to die, it's hard to live.
Every moment feels like a waste of time.
Hurry up, slow it down...
Hurry up, slow it down....
just end the game.
That horrible dread.
The lonliness of being in your own body.
No one else around you ever feeling even close to what you feel.
Thinking what you think.
They cry, they hurt... there's pain.
Empathy.
Pity.
Never, Never, NEVER
can you feel that.
Or would I wish you to.
The self hatred.
Self esteem.
The living with the fact that death is coming, and you never
really lived.
I've done alot in such a short period.
Then I stopped.
I've been across the globe.
I've sunned on the best beaches.
I've met people who left a memory in my brain.
Majorca supermarkets.
The feel of the window flipping my hair in Paris.
Sitting in the dark with french subtitles.
Adventures of the lonely.
New Orleans at 17.
Secrets I've never told a soul, and never will.
That week, was a week that will forever be in my soul.
The bus ride down, the bus ride back.
I got on that bus without a plan and came back a whole
new person.
I read tarot cards on my bedroom floor that told me to take a trip.
I saved my money.
Thought, hmmm, where will I go....
Got a map and closed my eyes.
Pointed a finger, and landed there.
Got on the train, went to the bus station,
and off I went.
It was the most exhilerating moment of my life as a child.
Parachuting over Palm Springs.
I almost pissed my pants.
All these things... all these moments I have cherished,
or even hated filtering like a movie in my head.
A stranger holding my hand as they put a needle the
size of my arm in my body.
I don't think I blame God anymore.
He gave me a gift I didn't cherish, a life I thought
could always be better than what it was.
I never saw it was I that could be better...
This is my moment of clarity.
My silent secret,
that doesn't fit on a postcard.

¶ 4/29/2006 01:07:00 AM